Jesus Wrecked My Life

If you and I had talked one year ago, if we had sat down together over a cup of coffee, if I had poured out my heart to you, I would have told you one thing: Jesus is wrecking my life.

One  year ago, it seemed as if Jesus was wrecking my life. My life of comfort. My life of complacency. 

My life. What I didn't realize then was one simple truth: If you follow Jesus, then my friend, it's no longer your life. It's His life.

I gave my life to Christ in the Fall of 2004 and I've loved Jesus since I first met Him on that sweltering August night. I've loved Him, but I haven't always followed Him- not in the way we are called to follow.

You see, I had a dream of how I wanted my life to go, and instead of letting Jesus lead, I told Him my plans and wanted Him to follow along. I wanted comfort, success, and happiness. I wanted to do things my own way, and I wanted Jesus to bless my decisions. But all the while Jesus was calling me to give my life away to Him, to live a life marked by sacrifice for Him, to experience a deep joy in Him.

Last Summer, I thought Jesus was wrecking my life. Stone after stone came tumbling down as the life I envisioned was painfully contrasted with the life He was asking me to live. And against everything the world said I should do, I chose His life for me. I chose to follow. You see, friend, I fell in love with Jesus years ago and though I loved my life, I loved Him more. I wanted to give my life away to following Him.

I began praying one word- anything. Anything, Lord, I will do anything you ask of me. Things started changing. I was changing. My motives we no longer rooted in seeking out comfort or my own desires in life. Instead, my motives were rooted in a deep longing to bring Him glory, to know Him more, and to serve Him. 

I had labored for years building 'my life'. I watched as stone after stone fell away. My career, which was always one of the most important things in my life, suddenly took a back seat. My outlook on material things in life drastically changed and I lost the desire to chase the American dream. Jesus placed in me a love for others, for the least of these, that I had so tragically lacked before. He began molding in me a heart for missions.

My heart was bleeding and I couldn't make it stop. So I was praying and willing and dreaming of living for heaven instead of the American dream, and it was changing everything. And strangely, I was okay with that.

For years, I was a child of God living in Egypt. Then I made the decision to leave Egypt and I spent one year wandering through the desert, allowing Jesus to change my heart. The desert grew my faith in Him as I watched God provide in amazing ways. Jesus was the balm my hurting heart needed. In all my effort to build my life on my own, I never realized I was wounded. I needed a healing only Jesus could offer.

Hindsight is 20/20. At the time I felt as if Jesus was wrecking my life. Looking back, though, I realize that I wrecked my own life. Jesus, in His infinite love, saw me. He loved me. He had compassion on me. He helped me. 

I wrecked my life by building it around myself and my desires, rather than letting Him be the focal point. The end result looked somewhat like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Jesus came in, tore down the mess I had made, and started anew. He put each brick in its proper place, and set all things straight.

Now, one year later as I cross over Jordan and leave this desert season of my life, I can see that what He has built in me is more beautiful than anything I could have ever done on my own. He is truly life more beautiful.

I will face desert seasons again in life. But instead of fearing change, I will see it as an opportunity for God to rework my life for the better- for His purpose and glory.

After all, sweet friend, our life is not our own, it's His life.