A Bucket List

Yesterday I posted one video on gripes and complaints.

Bear with me as I throw myself under the bus today.

When I say that a third world country changes you... it's in ways you cannot fathom unless you've experienced it.

While the emotions I felt while there were all consuming, they were minor compared to what I felt after returning home.

Guilt. Shame. Embarrasment.

All this time I've tried to follow Jesus- yet still lived in the most worldly society on the planet.

I've agnonized over which cute pillows from Pottery Barn would best match my rug.

I've written bucket lists outlining all the fun, extravagant things our family planned to tackle that season.

And during each moment of utter selfishness, my Jesus stood beside me- knowing.

Knowing that one day I would meet sweet Gabriella- the most giving person I know- and I would sit and talk with her inside her cardboard home with a dirt floor.

Knowing that one day I would wash the beautiful brown feet of amazing women while I told them the story of how and why Jesus washed his disciples feet.

Knowing that one day I would hold the brown-skinned babies born into the black dirt of Nicaragua and for the first time in my life truly love a stranger as Christ loves.

Knowing that one day I would hold a woman's hands up while she cried out to God on a dirt-floor altar... then seconds later see her prayer answered as I watched her son Benito pray to receive Christ. Benito who was highly involved in gangs and drugs. Benito who begged to go along with us because he knew what was waiting for him when we left- a group of men who would see him suffer for his decision. Benito, who is saving his first dance on those streets of gold for an unworthy gringo in the Estados Unidos.

Jesus knew all along my selfishness. Yet he was patient with me, loving, and tender. Waiting for the day when I'd step onto the black soil of a third world country and He'd open my eyes and show me His heart.

Here's another heart-breaking video about a young boy's bucket list.

When I first watched this, my heart broke and I felt nauseous thinking of my selfish, self-centered ways in the past. One more example of God convicting my heart and bringing things that need changing to light. This is an almost daily occurrence now.

My bucket list has changed drastically.

Simplified is the best term to use.

What once consisted of nearly 30 adventourous items, now contains only two.

One. To love others as Jesus loves.
Two. To give my life away to serving in a third world country longterm.

It may be years, months, or next week. I'm not sure. All I know is that I have been called to missions- specifically to discipleship training for young women. God knows His plans, and in the meantime my husband and I will pray for Him to open doors and give us the courage to be obedient.

So, what's on your Bucket List?

First World Problems

It's been hard adjusting to life in the States again after spending time in a third world country.

I mentioned to a friend that it's even hard carrying on conversations. I hear others throw out simple gripes and complaints - many of which I once said myself. How can I help a friend decide what shade of paint they should pick, or the cutest new boots for Fall, when I know a girl living in a home made of cardboard and tarp {during their rainy season, I might add} and I can count on one hand how many little ones I saw actually wearing shoes.

But that was before.

This is now. In my life post-Nicaragua, I can't handle hearing people so blessed complain and gripe about such minor things.

"I'm starving to death. I wonder what they have in the cafeteria." I heard this the other morning and it was all I could do not to start 'preaching' at them.

You are not starving. I have looked into the eyes of a grandmother who has spent the last two days at the dump with her small grandchildren trying to scavenge for food. I have handed this same sweet family a simple plate of rice and beans- knowing this one meal may be all they receive for several more days.

I have seen five year olds who are nearly the same size as my small-for-her-age two year old daugther.

You, my dear friends in the Estados Unidos, are far from starving.

I came across this video a few minutes ago and had to share. Hearing such complaints and gripes over trivial stuff, compared to the true needs of friends I know just a short 3 hour plane ride away, make it so hard to just fall right back into life here.

Wait. Nevermind. I don't want to just fall back into my old life. I cannot. I've been changed and I've seen unbelievale suffering. I've drawn lines in the sand- my eyes have been opened- and there is absolutely no going back.

I'm still trying to navigate being here when my head and my heart are with the beautiful brown-skinned people in a tiny barrio called Tomas Borjae.

Let's open our eyes, friends.

Better still, let's open our hearts. Wide.